Handshake Time

You know at the beginning of sporting events when the athletes shake hands, pretending to have an ounce of class before they take the pitch and degrade each-other and do everything possible to undermine the success of their competitors for the duration of the game? Well here's your handshake. Now here's your game.

I know all of you probably have some quip to make about virginity. I'd have to guess most of you have some lame story about how many V-cards you have snatched, but in reality, you've managed nothing more than the conspicuous, jean skirt donning hussy that still wears Bath and Body Works spray like it's DEET and she's in the heartland of malaria country. If it weren't for the foul smell that emanates from The Commish's cubicle everyday, I'd imagine he had never lost his V-card, but lets face it, either his crotch is rotting from a powerful STI or the guy is constantly in heat.

Why did I mention virginity? Because I am a fantasy football virgin. So don't hurt me with your big, massive, professional fantasy-sport-playing dicks. Alas, as a rookie, I will defy all odds and offer you the formula for instant success come draft day. I intend to follow it, and if you want to win, you should too.

1. Mustaches: If you don't think they intimidate, you're wrong. If you don't think they win games, look no further than last night's Yankee/Sox matchup where a mustache practically waltzed in the soon-doomed stadium and warmed every upper-lip within 50 miles with a big-time play.
2. Trouble with the law: My team will be loaded with Bengals. You can't see them with those helmets on, either. Why don't they paint the field like tiger fur? They let those ass-clowns at Boise State paint their field blue. Furthermore, if you have the integrity to endanger an illustrious career as a professional athlete by taking part in any number of idiotic off field antics, what makes you think they won't play on the field with reckless abandon?
3. Players from states recently struck by natural disaster: What does this do? Makes you a soulless asshole for rooting against any player that's from Iowa, Florida or Louisiana. And makes my victories "feel-good." I'm lobbying the commish hard to factor in feel-good points into the rankings, but we all know he's fearfully clutching to that trophy at his desk like an emo kid clings to his tattered copy of Catcher in the Rye, and therefore wouldn't allow any shaking up to the point system that has seemingly been very kind to him the past few years.
4. Kickers: You can't possibly draft enough of them. These spritely fellows also bring all the "intangibles" to the sideline, whether fantasy or not. Huge linemen always get a little bit more pumped when the gangly, unathletic kicker whose wife beats him at home gets excited on the lines.
5. Diet: While you may think you're on the cutting edge of fantasy football research, I am already a step ahead. I have been contacting many NFL trainers who have been giving me inside tips on the diets of successful NFL players. We all know McNabb loves his chunky soup, Terrell Owens feasts on the souls of positive locker room environments and Kurt Warner noshes on nothing but unadulterated pussy, but these well-knowns aren't going to help you out come game-time. I know who's eating what, and it will make a difference. So start researching.

At heart, I am a college football fan. But as I have come to find in my painful transition through puberty and into the working world, fantasy football is a staple. On the bright side, this fantasy football endeavor offers the opportunity to talk shit for no reason, watch sports with more interest and post on a blog. So when your team is beating the shit out of mine every Sunday, remember that I am most likely hungover from watching the Longhorns put their bull-links in Mark Mangino's fat-cross buns the previous day. I'll also probably be lonely.

Come take me boys.

Rivals!!!!

With our second season about to start in Highland, I believe we should have some "bowl/rival" games winner gets money or beer. Keep things interesting. Let me know what everyone thinks.

-The Tallest Connaker

The New Season

Aloha and welcome to a new season of football and politics. In both arenas we have the new guard facing the old guard.

McCain is the old guard with his balanced run and pass offense. No flash here, ho ho. Three yards and a cloud of dirt, a boring but effective way of winning championships. McCain is the Brett Favre of politics. Both have a bit of controversy around them tarnishing the image, McCain continues to refer to his VC captors as gooks, and Brett retired and didn’t retire and so forth until no one cared anymore except him and his agent who was whoring him out like a meth addict in Kansas City.

Across the field there is Obama with his dazzling offense, shotgun spread ‘em out and put the ball in the air. Obama, the Democratic Drew Brees, is a good but not yet great QB, someone to get the asses into the stands and lots of points on the board but no one knows if his defense can stop the other team. But damn, he has enough mojo to build a franchise around and he can win the big game under the right circumstances.

As for the NFL, it looks like the same two contenders. Indy and the Pats are favored to win the most games during the regular season according to the gambling folks. The Pats’ under/over for wins is 12½ and Indy’s is 11. The NFC equivalent is the Cowboys who are at 10½. Fucking half wins are great.

As for predictions about who is going to win it all, it's too early to make predictions. All of the sportscasters who even bother at this point are just trying to fill air time.

It is time to line up some cash and let the degeneracy begin. I don't bother with football unless there is some cash or alcohol involved, preferably both.

Here is a link to our namesake. I grew up across the river from this place, referred to Homo Hill by inmates because it was mostly male sex offenders locked up there. Now it is only for women.

Aloha,

The Commish