Handshake Time

You know at the beginning of sporting events when the athletes shake hands, pretending to have an ounce of class before they take the pitch and degrade each-other and do everything possible to undermine the success of their competitors for the duration of the game? Well here's your handshake. Now here's your game.

I know all of you probably have some quip to make about virginity. I'd have to guess most of you have some lame story about how many V-cards you have snatched, but in reality, you've managed nothing more than the conspicuous, jean skirt donning hussy that still wears Bath and Body Works spray like it's DEET and she's in the heartland of malaria country. If it weren't for the foul smell that emanates from The Commish's cubicle everyday, I'd imagine he had never lost his V-card, but lets face it, either his crotch is rotting from a powerful STI or the guy is constantly in heat.

Why did I mention virginity? Because I am a fantasy football virgin. So don't hurt me with your big, massive, professional fantasy-sport-playing dicks. Alas, as a rookie, I will defy all odds and offer you the formula for instant success come draft day. I intend to follow it, and if you want to win, you should too.

1. Mustaches: If you don't think they intimidate, you're wrong. If you don't think they win games, look no further than last night's Yankee/Sox matchup where a mustache practically waltzed in the soon-doomed stadium and warmed every upper-lip within 50 miles with a big-time play.
2. Trouble with the law: My team will be loaded with Bengals. You can't see them with those helmets on, either. Why don't they paint the field like tiger fur? They let those ass-clowns at Boise State paint their field blue. Furthermore, if you have the integrity to endanger an illustrious career as a professional athlete by taking part in any number of idiotic off field antics, what makes you think they won't play on the field with reckless abandon?
3. Players from states recently struck by natural disaster: What does this do? Makes you a soulless asshole for rooting against any player that's from Iowa, Florida or Louisiana. And makes my victories "feel-good." I'm lobbying the commish hard to factor in feel-good points into the rankings, but we all know he's fearfully clutching to that trophy at his desk like an emo kid clings to his tattered copy of Catcher in the Rye, and therefore wouldn't allow any shaking up to the point system that has seemingly been very kind to him the past few years.
4. Kickers: You can't possibly draft enough of them. These spritely fellows also bring all the "intangibles" to the sideline, whether fantasy or not. Huge linemen always get a little bit more pumped when the gangly, unathletic kicker whose wife beats him at home gets excited on the lines.
5. Diet: While you may think you're on the cutting edge of fantasy football research, I am already a step ahead. I have been contacting many NFL trainers who have been giving me inside tips on the diets of successful NFL players. We all know McNabb loves his chunky soup, Terrell Owens feasts on the souls of positive locker room environments and Kurt Warner noshes on nothing but unadulterated pussy, but these well-knowns aren't going to help you out come game-time. I know who's eating what, and it will make a difference. So start researching.

At heart, I am a college football fan. But as I have come to find in my painful transition through puberty and into the working world, fantasy football is a staple. On the bright side, this fantasy football endeavor offers the opportunity to talk shit for no reason, watch sports with more interest and post on a blog. So when your team is beating the shit out of mine every Sunday, remember that I am most likely hungover from watching the Longhorns put their bull-links in Mark Mangino's fat-cross buns the previous day. I'll also probably be lonely.

Come take me boys.