Oh Danny Boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling
From glen to glen, and down the mountainside.
The summer's gone, and all the roses (are) falling.
'Tis you,'tis you must go and I must bide.
It is with great sadness that I announce the death of the Hiland Correctional League. There were zero trades this year and I made several offers. I even tried to trade away Drew Brees before he went on a historic tear (but was still playing out of his mind). I would have still traded him off if I was given anything close to an even deal. But I compared him to Obama in my first post and it rings true today.
You guys at 4-7 have nothing to lose, I just don't understand the hesitancy in a free league. The UPAR have lost the first 7 games in a row. Think you might need a change or are you taking the Matt Millen approach? And if you don't want to play or try, I understand, but don't take up league space from someone who wants in.
I haven't made a move since Oct. 24th but I haven't needed to. I didn't pick some miracle team, I got lucky by picking Brees after Gore, Portis, and Welker. He went 31st overall so everyone had to pass on him three times (he went first in the fourth).
Despite being the worst team in the league, Arpaio's Posse has made zero moves. I just don't know why someone would join in the first place.
This used to be fun and now I don't even bother to watch pro football.
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down. - Woody Allen
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
DyNASTY on Parade
"Weapons; not food, not homes, not shoes, not need, just feed the war cannibal-animal" -Rage Against the Machine "Bulls on the Parade"
My bulls are on parade boys and this is the warning. After losing the first game (I'm 1-3 lifetime during week one) I have rattled off four wins in a row. Brees, Portis, Gore and new-comer DeSean (not pronounced De-SEEN after all) are coming on strong like a horny Frenchman.
Brees is screaming and shouting before games like a Bizarro Ray Lewis, much to my delight. He looks like a damn kicker in the middle of his team which gives me hope that Martin Gramatica will do the same. If that weird little bastard still plays.
I will tell you one thing right now. If I win this silly league again, I'm giving it up and letting someone else take over the reigns. I didn't intend to be king, I just wanted to have a trophy that I had an opportunity to win. Things grow stale under the same leadership and that includes politics.
Speaking of stale, fuck Sarah Palin and her pseudo-Alaskan accent. She makes her fellow Alaskans sound like we are from Minnesota. The six-year embarrassment of the Republican party needs to stop. I'm going to hear from Republicans that Obama will ruin the country and blah blah blah. If Bush managed to avoid completely lighting the country on fire like a child that is home alone, then what harm can Obama do? He sure as shit couldn't do worse.
In fact, I will retire from fantasy football if I win my own league this year or if McCain wins.
My bulls are on parade boys and this is the warning. After losing the first game (I'm 1-3 lifetime during week one) I have rattled off four wins in a row. Brees, Portis, Gore and new-comer DeSean (not pronounced De-SEEN after all) are coming on strong like a horny Frenchman.
Brees is screaming and shouting before games like a Bizarro Ray Lewis, much to my delight. He looks like a damn kicker in the middle of his team which gives me hope that Martin Gramatica will do the same. If that weird little bastard still plays.
I will tell you one thing right now. If I win this silly league again, I'm giving it up and letting someone else take over the reigns. I didn't intend to be king, I just wanted to have a trophy that I had an opportunity to win. Things grow stale under the same leadership and that includes politics.
Speaking of stale, fuck Sarah Palin and her pseudo-Alaskan accent. She makes her fellow Alaskans sound like we are from Minnesota. The six-year embarrassment of the Republican party needs to stop. I'm going to hear from Republicans that Obama will ruin the country and blah blah blah. If Bush managed to avoid completely lighting the country on fire like a child that is home alone, then what harm can Obama do? He sure as shit couldn't do worse.
In fact, I will retire from fantasy football if I win my own league this year or if McCain wins.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
The FEMA kids
The great epochs of our lives occur when we gain the courage to rechristen what is evil in us as what is best. -Friedrich Nietzsche (1844–1900), German philosopher, classical scholar, critic of culture.
That quote was just for fun, it doesn't really pertain to what I am writing about but it gives everyone an opportunity to do interesting things.
I offered almost everyone, except my brother, a trade offer or maybe even two and right now I would formally like to thank some of them for declining.
Thank you Ginger Balls. Instead of accepting my offer to give DeSean Jackson who scored 22.07 in exchange for Vincent Jackson who at this point has scored 0, you held out. Your FEMA-esque timing paid me big dividends.
I tried to trade Winslow (10.7 as of right now) to UPAR for Santonio Holmes (1.9) but then I had to cancel the trade. Because Winslow's stock is now up. UPAR you waited until the levees busted. Sorry pal.
These are the only ones that I still have a record of at this point. I'm sure there are some trades that I would have benefit from but I can assure you most of them would have been to my detriment.
Please don't give me the "I have to dance with the people who brought me to the prom" excuse, it is only the first week. Most of you didn't even pick your teams, you let Yahoo! do it so it isn't as if there is some attachment there. If the prom is the playoffs then some of you aren't going to get invited with the squads that you have.
I appreciate you guys turning back my Wal-Mart cargo trucks full of talented players. Don't worry guys, I'm sure by the time that playoffs roll around (after the trade deadline) some of you will be willing to take a half-assed chance on a player who has been on the field for three months.
Thanks again,
The Commish
To exercise power costs effort and demands courage. That is why so many fail to assert rights to which they are perfectly entitled -- because a right is a kind of power but they are too lazy or too cowardly to exercise it. The virtues which cloak these faults are called patience and forbearance. - Friedrich Nietzsche
That quote was just for fun, it doesn't really pertain to what I am writing about but it gives everyone an opportunity to do interesting things.
I offered almost everyone, except my brother, a trade offer or maybe even two and right now I would formally like to thank some of them for declining.
Thank you Ginger Balls. Instead of accepting my offer to give DeSean Jackson who scored 22.07 in exchange for Vincent Jackson who at this point has scored 0, you held out. Your FEMA-esque timing paid me big dividends.
I tried to trade Winslow (10.7 as of right now) to UPAR for Santonio Holmes (1.9) but then I had to cancel the trade. Because Winslow's stock is now up. UPAR you waited until the levees busted. Sorry pal.
These are the only ones that I still have a record of at this point. I'm sure there are some trades that I would have benefit from but I can assure you most of them would have been to my detriment.
Please don't give me the "I have to dance with the people who brought me to the prom" excuse, it is only the first week. Most of you didn't even pick your teams, you let Yahoo! do it so it isn't as if there is some attachment there. If the prom is the playoffs then some of you aren't going to get invited with the squads that you have.
I appreciate you guys turning back my Wal-Mart cargo trucks full of talented players. Don't worry guys, I'm sure by the time that playoffs roll around (after the trade deadline) some of you will be willing to take a half-assed chance on a player who has been on the field for three months.
Thanks again,
The Commish
To exercise power costs effort and demands courage. That is why so many fail to assert rights to which they are perfectly entitled -- because a right is a kind of power but they are too lazy or too cowardly to exercise it. The virtues which cloak these faults are called patience and forbearance. - Friedrich Nietzsche
Saturday, September 6, 2008
The Rivals
Here are a few proposals for rivals.
The King of Alaska could go to the folks with ties to AK including, Busted Amnions, Stormtroopers, UPAR, Decatur Staleys and myself.
Ocho Cincballs and I have the Tequila War because they use tequila instead of water in Santa Fe.
Ginger Balls went to University of Texas and Go Chefs went to the University of Oklahoma so we have a natural rivalry there.
The rivalries could just count for the regular season or all the way through the playoffs. Either way.
Lastly, we have the Chugiak v. Service Rivalry. The Hansons v. the Connakers.
I am open to any other suggestions...
The King of Alaska could go to the folks with ties to AK including, Busted Amnions, Stormtroopers, UPAR, Decatur Staleys and myself.
Ocho Cincballs and I have the Tequila War because they use tequila instead of water in Santa Fe.
Ginger Balls went to University of Texas and Go Chefs went to the University of Oklahoma so we have a natural rivalry there.
The rivalries could just count for the regular season or all the way through the playoffs. Either way.
Lastly, we have the Chugiak v. Service Rivalry. The Hansons v. the Connakers.
I am open to any other suggestions...
Friday, August 29, 2008
Handshake Time
You know at the beginning of sporting events when the athletes shake hands, pretending to have an ounce of class before they take the pitch and degrade each-other and do everything possible to undermine the success of their competitors for the duration of the game? Well here's your handshake. Now here's your game.
I know all of you probably have some quip to make about virginity. I'd have to guess most of you have some lame story about how many V-cards you have snatched, but in reality, you've managed nothing more than the conspicuous, jean skirt donning hussy that still wears Bath and Body Works spray like it's DEET and she's in the heartland of malaria country. If it weren't for the foul smell that emanates from The Commish's cubicle everyday, I'd imagine he had never lost his V-card, but lets face it, either his crotch is rotting from a powerful STI or the guy is constantly in heat.
Why did I mention virginity? Because I am a fantasy football virgin. So don't hurt me with your big, massive, professional fantasy-sport-playing dicks. Alas, as a rookie, I will defy all odds and offer you the formula for instant success come draft day. I intend to follow it, and if you want to win, you should too.
1. Mustaches: If you don't think they intimidate, you're wrong. If you don't think they win games, look no further than last night's Yankee/Sox matchup where a mustache practically waltzed in the soon-doomed stadium and warmed every upper-lip within 50 miles with a big-time play.
2. Trouble with the law: My team will be loaded with Bengals. You can't see them with those helmets on, either. Why don't they paint the field like tiger fur? They let those ass-clowns at Boise State paint their field blue. Furthermore, if you have the integrity to endanger an illustrious career as a professional athlete by taking part in any number of idiotic off field antics, what makes you think they won't play on the field with reckless abandon?
3. Players from states recently struck by natural disaster: What does this do? Makes you a soulless asshole for rooting against any player that's from Iowa, Florida or Louisiana. And makes my victories "feel-good." I'm lobbying the commish hard to factor in feel-good points into the rankings, but we all know he's fearfully clutching to that trophy at his desk like an emo kid clings to his tattered copy of Catcher in the Rye, and therefore wouldn't allow any shaking up to the point system that has seemingly been very kind to him the past few years.
4. Kickers: You can't possibly draft enough of them. These spritely fellows also bring all the "intangibles" to the sideline, whether fantasy or not. Huge linemen always get a little bit more pumped when the gangly, unathletic kicker whose wife beats him at home gets excited on the lines.
5. Diet: While you may think you're on the cutting edge of fantasy football research, I am already a step ahead. I have been contacting many NFL trainers who have been giving me inside tips on the diets of successful NFL players. We all know McNabb loves his chunky soup, Terrell Owens feasts on the souls of positive locker room environments and Kurt Warner noshes on nothing but unadulterated pussy, but these well-knowns aren't going to help you out come game-time. I know who's eating what, and it will make a difference. So start researching.
At heart, I am a college football fan. But as I have come to find in my painful transition through puberty and into the working world, fantasy football is a staple. On the bright side, this fantasy football endeavor offers the opportunity to talk shit for no reason, watch sports with more interest and post on a blog. So when your team is beating the shit out of mine every Sunday, remember that I am most likely hungover from watching the Longhorns put their bull-links in Mark Mangino's fat-cross buns the previous day. I'll also probably be lonely.
Come take me boys.
I know all of you probably have some quip to make about virginity. I'd have to guess most of you have some lame story about how many V-cards you have snatched, but in reality, you've managed nothing more than the conspicuous, jean skirt donning hussy that still wears Bath and Body Works spray like it's DEET and she's in the heartland of malaria country. If it weren't for the foul smell that emanates from The Commish's cubicle everyday, I'd imagine he had never lost his V-card, but lets face it, either his crotch is rotting from a powerful STI or the guy is constantly in heat.
Why did I mention virginity? Because I am a fantasy football virgin. So don't hurt me with your big, massive, professional fantasy-sport-playing dicks. Alas, as a rookie, I will defy all odds and offer you the formula for instant success come draft day. I intend to follow it, and if you want to win, you should too.
1. Mustaches: If you don't think they intimidate, you're wrong. If you don't think they win games, look no further than last night's Yankee/Sox matchup where a mustache practically waltzed in the soon-doomed stadium and warmed every upper-lip within 50 miles with a big-time play.
2. Trouble with the law: My team will be loaded with Bengals. You can't see them with those helmets on, either. Why don't they paint the field like tiger fur? They let those ass-clowns at Boise State paint their field blue. Furthermore, if you have the integrity to endanger an illustrious career as a professional athlete by taking part in any number of idiotic off field antics, what makes you think they won't play on the field with reckless abandon?
3. Players from states recently struck by natural disaster: What does this do? Makes you a soulless asshole for rooting against any player that's from Iowa, Florida or Louisiana. And makes my victories "feel-good." I'm lobbying the commish hard to factor in feel-good points into the rankings, but we all know he's fearfully clutching to that trophy at his desk like an emo kid clings to his tattered copy of Catcher in the Rye, and therefore wouldn't allow any shaking up to the point system that has seemingly been very kind to him the past few years.
4. Kickers: You can't possibly draft enough of them. These spritely fellows also bring all the "intangibles" to the sideline, whether fantasy or not. Huge linemen always get a little bit more pumped when the gangly, unathletic kicker whose wife beats him at home gets excited on the lines.
5. Diet: While you may think you're on the cutting edge of fantasy football research, I am already a step ahead. I have been contacting many NFL trainers who have been giving me inside tips on the diets of successful NFL players. We all know McNabb loves his chunky soup, Terrell Owens feasts on the souls of positive locker room environments and Kurt Warner noshes on nothing but unadulterated pussy, but these well-knowns aren't going to help you out come game-time. I know who's eating what, and it will make a difference. So start researching.
At heart, I am a college football fan. But as I have come to find in my painful transition through puberty and into the working world, fantasy football is a staple. On the bright side, this fantasy football endeavor offers the opportunity to talk shit for no reason, watch sports with more interest and post on a blog. So when your team is beating the shit out of mine every Sunday, remember that I am most likely hungover from watching the Longhorns put their bull-links in Mark Mangino's fat-cross buns the previous day. I'll also probably be lonely.
Come take me boys.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Rivals!!!!
With our second season about to start in Highland, I believe we should have some "bowl/rival" games winner gets money or beer. Keep things interesting. Let me know what everyone thinks.
-The Tallest Connaker
-The Tallest Connaker
The New Season
Aloha and welcome to a new season of football and politics. In both arenas we have the new guard facing the old guard.
McCain is the old guard with his balanced run and pass offense. No flash here, ho ho. Three yards and a cloud of dirt, a boring but effective way of winning championships. McCain is the Brett Favre of politics. Both have a bit of controversy around them tarnishing the image, McCain continues to refer to his VC captors as gooks, and Brett retired and didn’t retire and so forth until no one cared anymore except him and his agent who was whoring him out like a meth addict in Kansas City.
Across the field there is Obama with his dazzling offense, shotgun spread ‘em out and put the ball in the air. Obama, the Democratic Drew Brees, is a good but not yet great QB, someone to get the asses into the stands and lots of points on the board but no one knows if his defense can stop the other team. But damn, he has enough mojo to build a franchise around and he can win the big game under the right circumstances.
As for the NFL, it looks like the same two contenders. Indy and the Pats are favored to win the most games during the regular season according to the gambling folks. The Pats’ under/over for wins is 12½ and Indy’s is 11. The NFC equivalent is the Cowboys who are at 10½. Fucking half wins are great.
As for predictions about who is going to win it all, it's too early to make predictions. All of the sportscasters who even bother at this point are just trying to fill air time.
It is time to line up some cash and let the degeneracy begin. I don't bother with football unless there is some cash or alcohol involved, preferably both.
Here is a link to our namesake. I grew up across the river from this place, referred to Homo Hill by inmates because it was mostly male sex offenders locked up there. Now it is only for women.
Aloha,
The Commish
McCain is the old guard with his balanced run and pass offense. No flash here, ho ho. Three yards and a cloud of dirt, a boring but effective way of winning championships. McCain is the Brett Favre of politics. Both have a bit of controversy around them tarnishing the image, McCain continues to refer to his VC captors as gooks, and Brett retired and didn’t retire and so forth until no one cared anymore except him and his agent who was whoring him out like a meth addict in Kansas City.
Across the field there is Obama with his dazzling offense, shotgun spread ‘em out and put the ball in the air. Obama, the Democratic Drew Brees, is a good but not yet great QB, someone to get the asses into the stands and lots of points on the board but no one knows if his defense can stop the other team. But damn, he has enough mojo to build a franchise around and he can win the big game under the right circumstances.
As for the NFL, it looks like the same two contenders. Indy and the Pats are favored to win the most games during the regular season according to the gambling folks. The Pats’ under/over for wins is 12½ and Indy’s is 11. The NFC equivalent is the Cowboys who are at 10½. Fucking half wins are great.
As for predictions about who is going to win it all, it's too early to make predictions. All of the sportscasters who even bother at this point are just trying to fill air time.
It is time to line up some cash and let the degeneracy begin. I don't bother with football unless there is some cash or alcohol involved, preferably both.
Here is a link to our namesake. I grew up across the river from this place, referred to Homo Hill by inmates because it was mostly male sex offenders locked up there. Now it is only for women.
Aloha,
The Commish
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